Thursday, October 27, 2005

Early Years

I am a native Lithuanian by birth, and have never set foot outside the country (or inside it either, for that matter). I am the son of three poor but honest millionaires, who made their fortune in the lucrative mule-dung markets of the Caucasus mountains. I was a talented child, who easily took to the native sports of extreme knitting and endurance polka-dancing. Later, I went to college and trained in Gulag as a Performance Art. Then Glasnost happened, and I was out of a job.

With the characteristic enterprise and initiative for which I was later to become renowned, I stayed in my parents house for the next five years until they directed me to leave and find a job. It was indeed difficult for me, as I had, quite literally, not left the house: but gradually, I adjusted to the sunlight and seasons, and set off for Zagreb.
Here I met with a society of friendly misanthropes, and we struck an immediate bond of mutual animosity.
We therefore set up a school of Yodelling as Musical Therapy. Within days, business was booming: partly because of curiosity at our new business venture, but mostly because of a Serbo-Croat war which was raging at that time.

Unfortunately, I was soon to find that Yodelling as Musical Therapy was not as effective as one would have thought - it was more so. Patients would walk in with one broken leg and walk out with two (painful for them and disappointing for me). Some would enter with Dual Personalities, and after a session of soothing yodelling, they would exit with Multiple Personality Disorder. Once, I even yodelled at a woman giving birth, and she was so distracted that she gave birth to a fully grown male lion by accident. (They are now living together, quite happily, at the local zoo.)
I therefore came to the conclusion that yodelling was not for me, or anyone else, for that matter.

I have since held many jobs, including naked skydiver, wombat-farmer, taste-tester for the Hydrochloric Icecream Foundation, and Shouter for the Transnational Deaf Persons Federation, but I still look back with some nostalgia upon these formative years.


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